I dont think my friends are trying to put me on the spot at all. Can we not use spaz/spazzy, please? Doing great, what are you doing here? Yes, I know that is an inappropriate way to react. Its harder to say if someone doesnt do their fair share of emotional labor, or figuring out their fair share of chores if theyre not physically or mentally able to do the same amount as you. Silly Friend: do you want to do (thing)? Umm.pardon me, I wasn't listening. If they want to tell you about their job, they can. What are you up to? for those I am not interested in carving out space for.). Lets just say there were a few comments along the lines of look, if this Pampered Chef isnt your personal yaoi cup of tea, thats fine, but do you have to be so judgy about what your friends into?, Exactly! Whats shes for is waiting on and attending to others, and without an opportunity to do that, she must be sitting alone rocking back and forth in the dark. Me: Nope. Thats already happenedshe made a big stink about her dad telling her that they were all going to do something to support me at a time when I was really upset (something that would have taken about an hour of her time). What the letter-writer is doing seems a bit like foreign people not grasping at first that Americans dont expect How are you? to be answered literally. Your kids are loud. The genered expectations in our family are much more of the women do the planning variety which can get super annoying when wed like to just go along for the ride every once in a while. LW, this struck me as a pretty extreme response. Its either a soft opening for an invite or a general small talk questionand in both cases, Oh, not sure yet, how about you? is going to be one thousand percent fine. 2. Then if someone tries to rope me into something I dont want to do, I can pull out the old Sorry, I have a deadline coming up soon / Im behind schedule so I have to work.. No other teller (in this bank, or others that Ive been in) does this. (This one is so trite that it takes a few moments for the humor to sink in.) There are some funny responses to "what are you going to do with your life" for when your family keeps asking you the same dull questions. (And this is all, of course, assuming I dont want to go. I read that post all the time. Its up there with things like when are you going back home? or how does xy work back home? and other similar questions asked to people perceived as foreign (mostly for racial reasons). This realization is making me like Tuesdays more.) I dont think she feels disliked; theres really not a lot of conflict for us. Nothing obviously inappropriate has happened, I dont think I need to talk to his supervisor (I dont want him fired, it would just be nice if hed back off on his own, but IDK if that will happen, or maybe he will transfer or change hours (I thought he had for a few months last year when I did not see him at all)). A lot of the people old enough to have adult children at this point still put phone communication on some kind of pinnacle in their minds, because thats what they grew up with. Because our societys patterns absolutely will not let anyone think it could be possible that what I, for example, would be doing with that time is letting my brain process the mathematics that will lead to an invention that most of us will never hear about, but it will make all of our lives better. And when things are something that I consider a family obligation, I make it clear (I need you tocan you? I want to put a claim on your time for X, will that work? etc.) I think one way of dealing with this is to explicitly put the hard invitation back in their court. Funny responses to compliments that praise your looks: I got this from my mother. But Im not interested in any work-related socializing that eats into my personal life). Its like theyre trying to help you come up with justifications for saying no before they even ask you the question. Good luck! They specifically mentioned 4 contexts where the asker then does go on to invite them to do something or asks for a favor. A: Thanks, you too. Your turn to tell me what you have in mind!. Funny Bumble Answers #4: Ironic, Nerdy-Cute Guy If someone asks me the question, I am happy, because that means they are probably inviting me somewhere. But, I think the conclusion there is, thats not on me. If you have plans, just say so. , Related the person who just assumes youre doing whatever theyve planned for you because its a family thing and youre family or I asked Z and they said you were free* or What else would you be doing? I expect either Oh were going to see New Movie/having a picnic/running errands or I dunno, usually followed by how about you? Its a low pressure small talk question, most of the time. Even though Ive done the layering myself, I dont usually hear it as an attempt to give me all possible puts. This is a very funny response to give to "whats up." In that case I would begin with the duty: I need a babysitter. I miss you though, can we plan dinner soon? And I have a date Saturday, but I would love to get a phone call-catchup on the calendar if youre freemaybe Sunday afternoon? (These examples are all people I want to spend time with I also use a lot of swamped this weekend! 3. Also, Ive had dozens of this same conversation and witnessed hundreds more: [person comes up to their friend] So, I have learned its a lot easier if I answer I might be working that weekend (which has the benefit of being true, I do work most weekends) and then find out what she wants to do and decide if I want to go. Published April 10, 2020 "How are you doing right now?" That's the question I've been defaulting to on the phone, over text, and over Zoom chats during this time of ballooning,. I would think that if one is up to the point of having to plan food, one would have also issued a direct invitation? The vague redirect is also a standard, recognized move. You'll hear it regularly in speech, and people actually might think it sounds funny/wrong to say "Well.". and then if I do end up wanting to do whatever it is they want to do, suddenly my schedule cleared up! (So Tuesday is the only day safe from that question, ha. Its essentially part of, or an alternative to, hello. I suppose its more of an emotional labor thing? I think its interesting how LW is talking about what seems to me to be a specific social paradigm/situation that a lot of the commentators do not share? Fill in the gaps using the correct form of Future Simple Tense. It was glorious. Number 6 is my answer to " why don t u want to have kids ? Lets do it.). Thats where I am as well with my kid. But if her idea is super cool or needs to be done on a certain date, Ill absolutely shelve my TV watching for another night! It always made me think I looked tired or upset or maybe there was something wrong with my hair, because its the sort of thing I would only ask a friend/acquaintance/student if it seemed like they were distressed. When you joined a new job and your team leader or boss asked you about how you're doing, this is your honest answer and a way to show your enthusiasm. Thats not cool.. My ILs do this. 1. So the reframing may help. Him: Good. If theyre someone who usually only asks me to do fun stuff, I may say Free as a bird, as long as I dont have to plan on getting up too early. "Weekends are days to refuel your soul and to be grateful for the blessings that you have." - Anonymous 2. I dont know. It could trick your family members into thinking that you actually have your life together. Thaaats what Im telling myself about my children anyway. I just wanted to add that in my experience as a POC in a white majority country its mostly been well-meaning people who have made me feel discriminated against. DP: As you know, [ note, I do not know ] I need someone to [ renew my library book | paint my bathroom | walk my parakeet | clean my cat litter ] and I hoped you might help. 3. It feels invasive what I do on my weekends is my business. I think youre right in general, although I dont find items 2 and 3 problematic at all. 2. Of course, YMMV, and you know your family and the situation better than I do. You wonder where he'll take you. Am I Really? (Seriously? (My brother and sister in particular also had to learn from both their friends and myself that, just because they love me and love them doesnt mean that were all friends) I could only imagine if that question were followed by an expectation of service or freedom to assume I was going to a thing. Its also tripping flags in your head, which is infinitely more important. BUT! I have other plans. But if you just asked me if I have plans and I just admitted that I dont, then yeah, it can look pretty rude or hurtful if you invite me to something and I have to decline. No Response. 4. And LW is already handling the situation in the best possible way by giving noncommittal answers. And its hard to argue with. LW was quite clear that the coercive uses of it are the problem that makes LW resentful, which is not at all an extreme response, but a healthy one. But really those friends should elaborate: What are you doing this weekend? Is everyone busy? The good news is that when you sense an ulterior motive or that an invitation is imminent you can answer Dunno, Id have to look at my calendar to say for sure. I sympathize. She gets what crowds people like and is on point with inviting me to the right events. Me: Yeah, Ive got some stuff I have to get done. I've Tried, but No One Listens Hopefully Not as Good as I'll Ever Be If I Was Any Better, Vitamins Would Be Taking Me Okay. Me: Nope. Oh god then you might need to find less-jerky friends, probably. Then you can do x with/for me! just blatantly assuming that if you are free, then you will obviously want to do this thing. You (if you are up for it potentially) yeah, thatd be fun Bonus points if you say something that makes zero sense, but you end up getting your family to look at you like a genius anyway. Im an introvert that needs enough time in my week for quieter things around my own home without people. Person A: Im fine. I get the feeling Im not alone, I always thought my relationship with my parents was healthy until I became an adult and now I dread conversations with them. I usually reply with Nothing, in which Nothing means knitting, crocheting or basket weaving and listening to audio books. There were SO many helpful suggestions in here. Then we give a quick heads up to each other in the event that the person asking (such as mother-in-laws) will then turn right around and call spouse. etc. Person B: Oh, fine, thanks. I was surprised what a relief it was to move to a completely different part of the country where I at least have the option of blending in. Its okay to say you are within your rights to do these things anyway, because you are. Theres this implication that the only reason you would ever want to say no to their request is if youre already busy, and yeah, thats annoying. It avoids (in their mind) making the person feel pressured to commit if they dont actually want to. Excellent insight and analysis. +1, Im the same way. What are you doing this weekend? There are several possible moves in response to this gambit. However, it is true that "hanging out" is not what a person often thinks of as "OMG awesome must be there!" Its just in the past year or so that its cropped up repeatedly, with different people at different establishments. If you cant imagine feeling the same way as the LW, that doesnt make the LWs feelings bad or less-than. I know that doesnt solve your overall problem, and I dont know what a reasonable solution is Im Sorry youre struggling right now. "Hope you are doing well" is actually a pretty common opening line when people write emails. Its okay that sometimes Im in physical pain and need time to recuperate. I will have to remember, the next time I must declare myself to a new prospective partner, to offer up the alternative plan of talking about dinosaurs for the next ten minutes and then never bringing it up again. So, it's important to read the situation and know how well the person asking you out will respond to a little joke. Some people here do not really do much small talk, so even asking How are you? might lead to a long description of ones health. Now, when someone asks, I reply, Im not sure what Ill be in the mood for. If someone responds with an offer of plans, I can then say, Nice! Its a little involved because Mittens needs daily collagen injections and also shes doing primal scream therapy. I get that youre saying you dont do this often and you see it as a minor part of your relationship. Ive got[an alligator to befriend, etc]. Flying in a rocket ship. Ive learned a lot of strategies.). ! OH ME TOO. This comment has clarified a thing for me. (via Shutterstock) 7. Apologize IMMEDIATELY and never ask me that again!. That is a question I ask a lot, but its aim for me usually isnt to exepect that if they are not doing things they will be free for whatever I want. I automatically ask this without thinking about it pretty often. I dont want to give you a rundown of my plans. Its not really surprising when you think about the mechanics of it its basically stereotype threat / stereotype threat removed. to invent some activity or decide how much to share), and 3.allowing you to then respond either positively or negatively to whatever suggestion comes next. My belief is that its easier to layer politeness onto a firm foundation of self-aware no than it is to find no after being trained to be obliging. what about this would a person take personally???? I also used to use it a lot until a friend pointed out this problematic history, so paying her work forward. You? On the other hand, being around them makes my shoulders go up around my ears. Which I guess was appropriately scary for the season? I didnt realize it until I noticed they were running a long-term experiment when they traveled of noting responses they said they like Canada and big chunks of northern and western US, because if they say theyre British, no one bats an eye despite their obvious Polish accents. Should I keep doing what Im doing? She had already asked him. Shes moving and needs a van? Its any individuals choice whether the tradeoffs are worth it. Please note, Ive explained why I often say no and that Im very much a loner. Unless youre at the stage of an established friendship where you have agreed to get together for dinner every other Saturday, or are discussing plans for the next visit to your long-distance sweetie during this visit, any actual social plan is only going to happen after someone risks discovering that the other person is less interested than they are. Ive seen cat vacuuming most often as being what you do before you can sit down to write. Riding an elephant. I think it can also be a way of getting to know a person, or the kind of small talk that people in some regions feel they HAVE to make if they want to be polite. Thats kind of taking it 4 out of context to say they dont understand. Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email. Mind you, I am white and middle aged and cis-passing, if not actually middle class OR a lady, so this may not work as well for everybody Anything fun planned? Obviously Im talking here about people Im friendly with, not friend-friends, but I cant imagine having got to the stage of being friends with someone who was inclined to rebuff me expressing interest in their life. Any/all such inquiries get an automatic Unsure have to ask my other half., Sans that Id just go with Unsure. Can you do me a favor? Person A: Hi, how are you? It can be a white lie! eh, my mother does that. 1. Ex.1. Your feelings are your own and it sounds like What are you doing this weekend? has reached a point where hearing the question adds a ton of negativity to the interaction for you, which might be where this response is coming from? I usually list a few of the things Im doing and treat it as a conversation starter, i.e., ask them about their weekend. I chitchat with cashiers so its totally fine to say something like, Ah, gosh, so crazy today I got a flat tire and Im just grabbing something easy for dinner. In other words if you have the time and energy to construct a lowkey, mildly entertaining story then go for it, otherwise just stick with Great, how are you? and you can let the conversation drop from there. Wanna do something? or You free Saturday? You can do it as far as you can. I mean, where are you REALLY from, but whats up is harder, since nothing/dont know tends to elicit a why not? or you should be/do more fun! And I dont know what to say to that, because no just seems rude and I didnt invite them to improve my life. I automatically ask this without thinking about it pretty often. LW is pretty clearly not talking so much about people making casual small talk as people being roundabout manipulative. I am a Guess person, and that is not going to change (and I often feel annoyed at people who seem to think that it shouldmy brain wiring is okay, too! Flip the question back to them. Its okay that sometimes my anxiety is bad. In fact, you probably have all of these thoughts when a guy asks, "What are you doing this weekend?". Shes asked like this a few times. They say hey, and you reply with the same. I guess turning down invites is probably just a point of stress for me though, because people have historically gotten annoyed at me for being busy and turning down their invites, when its just like Please find out if Im actually available first so you dont take it personally that I cant hang this weekend?. To those who suggested building better boundaries with my family: Good advice. I too wish I had the strength & Phoebe confidence to pull of that line. Of course, you might have said that when you know that movie will be out for weeks and youd absolutely prefer to have an excuse to build a couch cushion fort and have an audience who is actually impressed by your terrible magic tricks, and no one wins.
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